Sunday, 24 June 2012

2 Liter Trouble

*****************Disclaimer***************
I do not advocate, condone or otherwise encourage the consumption of alcohol by individuals that are legally under age. I am simply sharing a story from you childhood. So for those of you who are underage, and read my blog, I don't want to catch any shit from your parents or anyone else because you decided to do anything even remotely similar.
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My home town was boring as shit! For those of us teens that weren't into sports, the weekends required us to find our own ways of entertaining ourselves. This became a challenge during the winter because the normal outdoor activities weren't appealing. It was on one of those cold, rainy Saturdays that this story took place.

Me and my buddy, we'll call him "J", were sitting in his house watching TV....bored. We started talking about our options.....um...er....we couldn't come up with any. His parents weren't around and mine were off at soccer games with my brother and sister, so we had no means of transportation. Jim was bitching cuz he had bought some weed to smoke the night before and didn't get the chance. We didn't dare think about smokin' it around the neighborhood......our parents had too many spies watchin' our every move. We had to get outta there! Then it hit me......let's go to the mall. Normally this would never be an option considered by us, but we had never been there....um....under the influence and thought it might be a trip. We knew we could hop a bus that would take us there so we were set. But getting high just didn't seem like enough. As I took another swig outta the Mountain Dew two liter we were drinking it hit me......lets make a suicide!

J's dad was a serious alcoholic, and we could always rely on him to keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet. We learned early on that he marked the levels in his bottles to try and keep us from drinkin' his booze, but that didn't stop us. We had drank about half of the two liter and began filling it back up with a little bit of every type of booze he had in the liquor cabinet, hence the name "suicide". And when we finished, we poured water into the booze bottles to bring the contents back up to their original levels. We were set!

We grabbed our jackets, the weed and our two liter and headed out the door. The best part of the drink we had made was the bottle it was in. We walked down the street gulping from the bottle without a worry of getting caught. To anyone passing by it looked just like Mountain Dew. So we committed ourselves to drinking as much as possible before reaching the bus stop. At that point the bottle had to be tossed. By the time we arrived at the bus stop we were already buzzing, and while we were waiting for the bus, we took turns smoking J's weed in the bushes behind the bus-stop shelter. Now the party was on! We had just enough time to smoke a cigarette before the bus showed up. We jumped on and managed to quickly move past the driver without raising any suspicion, or he just didn't give a shit. In the 45 minutes it took us to get to the mall the booze and weed were in full effect and we were laughing our asses off, having a great time. When the bus pulled up at the mall I was out first. I staggered out and started walking towards the front entrance. I looked back to see J had staggered off the bus and straight over to a raised planter where he promptly leaned over the edge and relieved himself of his stomach contents.

"Hey bro...are you ok?" I asked as J was standing up straight again and wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket. "Yep, all good," he said, " just need to rinse my mouth out at the water fountain."

We meandered, yes I did use that word, because it best describes the less than normal way we were walking at this point. We meandered through the doors and headed into the mall. We went straight to the water fountain. "Dude, me first." I said. I had a serious case of cotton-mouth, and there was no way I was gonna drink out of that fountain after J rinsed and spat puke out of his mouth into it.

As we made our way out into the mall again we realised there were a lot of high school girls running around. Guess this was the place for them to hang out on the weekends. But there really weren't any other guys there and we kind of stood out. As J and I were talking about this, we both realised that in our current state that could put us in serious risk of getting caught by the rent-a-cops. Shit! Now we were paranoid. And that's a major buzz kill. We needed to find a way to stay off the radar. Both of us had the munchies and decided we needed to go downstairs to the food court, grab something to eat, and find a place to sit down and chill. With two massive bags of popcorn, a couple of Famous Amous cookies, corn dogs, and a bag of brownie bites we made our way down to the middle of the lower level to sit down. Here began the most epic part of our entire adventure!

In a couple areas of the mall there were sunken round spots ringed by comfy leather seating. A perfect place for us to eat and make fun of people as they walked by. But when we finished eating we discovered there was an even better view from the seating area. J and I were reclining with our heads laying back against the seat backs when I saw it. "Dude!!" I heard J say. "You seeing what I'm seeing?" He noticed the same thing I did. The upper floor of the mall was designed like a honey comb of cat-walks with glass walls under the hand rails. Surely the architect and/or engineer responsible for this design had a vision of safety and aesthetics, but it provided something even more valuable to teenage boys looking up. You see, as girls walked by above there was a point where, if they were walking close to the glass wall, you could see straight up their skirts!! "Killer!"

We spent the next couple of hours calling out the colors and patterns of panties we could see as we looked up. We were having a blast! I guess we weren't being very quiet about it, but no one really knew what we were talking about until the worst and best thing happened. J and I were looking in opposite directions when a beautiful woman, probably in her 20s came into view. "J!" I said alerting him to turn his head. I was speechless......but he wasn't. Raising his long arm and pointing at her, nearly shouting he said, "Dude, that chick's not wearing any underwear!!!"

Immediately, in utter terror, the woman looked down to see me and J looking up. J was still pointing. With both hands she pushed the front of her skirt between her legs and began backing up at almost a sprint. The whole time screaming, "OH....MY...GOD! SECURITY!!!! You little pigs are TOAST!"

Everyone in the mall was now looking in our direction. "Shit!" said J. "Busted!" said I, as both of us were staggering to our feet. It's amazing how fast, even drunk and high, we were able to get to the doors of the mall. We got out the door before a single rent-a-cop could track us down. And our luck couldn't have been any better because as we ran out the doors, a bus was pulling up at the stop. We jumped on and the bus began to pull away. As it did we waived to the rent-a-cops that had come out to wish us a safe journey.

The ride home was quiet. Neither of us saying anything. I was reviewing the visions of panties in my mind over, and over, and over. I thought J was doing the same.....but I was wrong. As we were pulling up to our stop I hear him say, "Oh shit, I don't feel good." I guess the excitement of our escape and the speed at which we had moved jostled all the food in his stomach. Combine that with the motion of the moving bus and his head still spinning, he was to the point of puking again. "Dude, just keep it together man. We're almost there." I said. But it was to late. J started chumming the floor of the bus in front of him just as it stopped to let us off. I bolted to my feet, grabbed him by his arm and dragged him off as fast as I could. As the bus pulled away, I'm sure he could see J puking beside the bench at the bus stop. But I don't think it was until a little while later that he realised he had puked on the bus too.