Ok, I have a rule that I don't prank kids now that I'm an adult. But, as with all rules, there are exceptions. And it just so happens that one of those little fuckers reared it's ugly head this past Christmas!
You know the kid.... obviously raised by a parent or parents who clearly should have been sterilized when they hit puberty. Taught up in a home where respect, especially in public, is devoid. Raised by fat-assed, slack-jawed, foul-mouthed, bigoted, brain-damaged, unmotivated, hand-out entitled jack-offs. Even my small, black, cold heart feels bad for kids in this situation. But in most cases what can you do? The way our legal system works even child protective services can't take the child away. Let alone sterilize the parents to break their fucked up chain of procreation.
However; on a limited number of occasions we are presented with the opportunity to provide a life lesson to one of these kids. And this one was a doozy!
Mid-December, I found myself walking down the hallway at a business. I was moving towards the busy lobby, in a good mood even. As I came closer to the lobby I noticed three young kids in it as well. Two of them were boys, occupied with trying to get into a bathroom. As I passed they were polite and acknowledged me and I returned the courtesy. Nearing the end of the hallway is where I encountered the third child. At first she looked cute, about 4 years old, sipping from a water fountain. Never would have expected what came next. When she finished her drink, the little imp took notice of my presence and when she looked up at me I was almost startled. You know how in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", at the end, when they take the lid off the ark and the ghosts start floating around.... then one looks at the bad guy and turns into a demon before attacking him? Yep, that's what this little girl's face did.
But hey, an angry kid is nothing. But then, as if I was the cause of her problems, her eyes narrowed, jaw tightened and she spoke.
"Yo fat!" was the phrase that hissed out of her mouth.
I was caught off guard, and that doesn't happen often. There was no doubt she meant what she said and that she meant it for me.
"She can't be serious", I thought to myself. "I've never seen this kid before." Being as young as she was, not knowing her or her parents (wherever they were), I decided to just blow off the comment, smile and be nice. "Maybe my good attitude will rub off on her." Clearly she did not realize that my current disposition was one I rarely exhibited. As I moved closer to her I could tell that my being nice was only pissing her off. That little imp was trying to provoke me! My mood quickly changed. Then she repeated herself. This time nearly shouting. Her face puckered and her lip snarled...
Wow! If my parents caught me treating an adult this way, I'd have eaten a bar of soap and probably been whipped a few times with a belt. Clearly a lesson needed to be taught. I started to pay a little more attention to the adults closest to the child. There was little doubt.....yep, they were the parents. And based on their behavior they could give two shits about what their little girl was up to. My blood was boiling at this point. Ho..Ho...Fucking...Ho!
And just as that phrase rattled in my head I was imparted with a message, clearly from one of the Christmas spirits. The spirit said, "You must teach this child a lesson."
With hardly a change in my pace I leaned down quietly next to the girls ear and whispered:
"You know what, you caught me....I'm fat. And you know why I'm fat? Because I'm Santa in my walk around disguise. And you know what, your Christmas is FUCKED!!!"
I quickly stood again and continued on past the parents and out the doors. It took the girl until I was walking out to start freaking out. I could hear chaos unfolding in the building as I walked towards my car. As I drove away I smiled and realized, sometimes karma is an appropriate Christmas gift.