Wednesday, 18 July 2012

The All-star Kid (part 1)

Ever ride down a steep hill inside a tractor tire. You can't see where you're going, you have no control, and if you run into a rock or any other immovable obstacle it hurts like a muther-fucker! Ever have a night that felt like that? I sure as hell did.....

I started sneaking out of my house when I was 13 years old. I was a night-owl, and loved the rush of roaming my town when most other sane people were sleeping. The darkness provided great cover should I need someone.

It took only a short period of time to develop a system for sneaking out of the house without my parents ever knowing. Ya see I had asthma and all I had to tell my parents was that I was having trouble breathing and needed to sleep in the family room on the couch. To this day I can't explain why my parents believed that the family room was less allergenic than my room. When everyone went to bed I'd make a dummy with an extra couple of pillows and cover it with my blanket on the couch, and it worked. I have to thank my parents for letting me watch "Escape from Alcatraz", where I learned that little trick. From the family room it was easy to get out the front door without making a sound. And there was always a spare key hidden just off the porch that I used to lock the door as I was leaving.

For a little while I was having fun wandering the streets on my own....performing random acts of kindness. BWAAAAAAHHHHHH HA HA HA HA!!!! If that's what you call toilet papering houses, plastic wrapping cars, and the like. But after a while I got tired of doing everything by myself. I needed a sidekick. Someone lacking just enough common sense for me to convince them that joining me on my adventures was a good idea. And that they'd never get in trouble. I knew just the guy, "G".

It was the week before Valentines Day. "G" and I were still in that phase..... you know.... girls are more fun to terrorize and pull pranks on than anything else. "G" and I were discussing a short list of girls in our school that we thought did we put it?....oh, yeah..."bitches". As I was listening to "G" I realised....this is a perfect opportunity to recruit him. And what better night then Valentines Day night. Screw Hallmark, show em how much you really care by toilet papering the shit outta their house and lighting firecrackers off on their porch at 2 AM. "G" loved the idea so much that he almost forgot about the risks associated with it. He started to get a little sketchy. Lucky for me he really liked the idea and really wanted to do it, and after a few minutes helping him develop a plan for escaping his house he was on board. Or so I thought.

We were supposed to meet in front of his house at midnight but as I rounded the corner to his house, he was nowhere in sight. I waited for a few minutes, thinking maybe his watch was a little slower than mine. But as the minutes ticked by I felt like I had been flaked I was pissed! I snuck around the side of his house. Stepping over his dog, who knew me and was more interested in sleeping than what I was up to, I reached his window. His light was out and I could see the little fucker sound asleep. OH HELLLLLLLL NO! I started tapping on the window. After about 15 seconds I could see the sound was starting to make him twitch in his sleep. Finally he woke up, realising it was me and that he wasn't going to get out of his commitment, he signalled me to meet him up front.

"Dude, I'm tired.....", came the whining complaining from "G".
Before, he finished his sentence I pounded his shoulder with my fist.
"Muther fucker......why'd you try to bail on me?" I was pissed, "G" knew it, and he knew that he was close to an ass-kicking.
"Sorry. I got parents were up late, and I was worried I was gonna get caught, so I just went to sleep."
I pounded him on his other shoulder.
"Fuck!!! I said I was sorry!"
"You got the TP?" Each of us was supposed to bring a multipack.
I could tell that "G" was now focusing on what had fired him up about this adventure in the first place.
"Let's go have some fun", he said as we started off on foot to the house we had decided to target.

Julie was a bitch! Not just to me and "G", but to any creature with a penis. Anyway, she was in the top 3 of my short-list and number 1 on "G's", so she was the easy mark for our Valentines Day gift. "G" said he knew where she lived and it wasn't far away, which made the decision even easier.

As we were walking down the street I reached into my jacket and pulled out a nutterang. For those of you who aren't familiar with this particular homemade weapon, it's similar to a bolo. Made of a strong piece of 3 foot long rope and large steel nuts tied on each end. When thrown right it'll wrap around a target in a hurry and end with a really painful impact. Most of the time we just used them as a toy, throwing them at sign posts n stuff. But when "G" saw it he freaked a little.

"Dude! If we get busted and you have that on you we could go to jail.....cuz it's a weapon!"
"Dude, shut the fuck up! We won't get caught." I was gonna pop him again but if I did the little pussy would probably have started crying and run home.

So we finally got to Julie's house. Nice big 2 story with a big ass tree in the front yard, perfect. I told "G" to get on the opposite side of the garage from me and we'd start tossing the TP over the roof, around the bushes, and in the tree a few times for starters. "G" threw the first roll up but with not enough behind it to clear the roof and it landed with a "SMACK" on the wood shingles.
"bar rar rar rar rar rar rar rar!!!" came the yippie sound one of those little mini-poodle things. Confined to Julie's garage and awoken by the sound on the roof it was in full guard dog mode, barking and growling it's ass off through a vent in the garage door.

Realising that by now someone in the house had to be awake, I was ready to run. But "G", he didn't see it that way. In fact.....I don't know what the fuck he was thinking! He was on his hands and knees in front of the vent just pissing the dog off even more by growling at it. I looked up at the window over the garage and saw the silhouette of a man looking down at us........ "Fuuuuuuck dude, her dad's looking out the window at us!!!! We gotta go!" I yelled at "G". That sunk in real fast and in a split second we were in full sprint and down the street.

When we were convinced the dude wasn't following us, we slowed to a walk. The adrenaline rush was awesome and realising we still had a ton of TP that we didn't want to keep carrying, we picked a random house and went crazy on it! By the time we were done the fuckin' think looked like an all white parade float designed by pre-schoolers. After taking a moment to admire our work, we took off for home. Little did we know what was to come.....

To be continued.....


  1. Can't wait to hear "what was to come..." btw... I learned the sleep dummy trick from watching the Brady Bunch hahahahahahahahahaha.
    I had my share of torment from boys like you at that age, Johnny... only they didn't TP my house... it was more ass slapping, bra strap pulling, snow face washes etc.... fuck I hated 12 - 14 year old boys!

    1. there were a small number of us that had learned the art of "the claw". passed down from seniors with pride, it was a one-handed method of unhooking a girl's bra..... but, that's another story. LMAO!

  2. I've been anxiously awaiting the continuation......

  3. >:) soon..... Working on some music at the moment. You know us guys....can't multi-task :P


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