Tuesday, 8 May 2012

The Ultimate Classroom Cropdusting

So we returned from the marching band trip without so much as detention. You wanna talk about three guys feeling like they could get away with anything, that was us. Upon our return we realized we had....um ...leftover supplies. We gave the silly string shit to Jesus. You would have thought he was a 4 year-old on Christmas. Ever see a 300 lb. person skip? Anyway....

Our arsenal of foul smelling weapons still had enough ammo to make someone's life a living hell. It was just a matter of who. I'm not sure if they were just a little bit smarter than me, or if they just lost interest in the idea of using the shit to prank on campus, but they turned the fart spray and sulfer bombs over to me. Blinded by my desire to put the hurt on a couple of ass holes that had wronged me, I didn't stop to think about the fact that on campus there were a lot more authority figures and a hell of a lot more people mulling about all the time. If I had thought about it I would have realized that there was an extremely high probability that I was gonna be seen when I pulled another prank. That little red fucker with the horns, sitting on my shoulder, just kept jabbing me in the neck with his pitchfork and screaming, "DO IT!!!! DO IT!!! DO IT!!!"

Early May on campus, sunny, about 80 degrees. I was walking through campus, ditching a class. I was walking past the music building, a two room older building with no AC. This building was the home of all the school choir groups and all the bands. There was always noise floating outta that place. In the warmer months all the teachers in the surrounding buildings would complain because the choir teacher opened up all the windows in his room to try and cool it down. So every classroom surrounding his classroom had to listen to choir practice every day.

So I'm walking through campus with the little red fucker screaming at me and I am now being assaulted by an exceptionally unpleasant round of singing coming from the choir room. Now I was irritated and the geeks in the choir were already on the radar for my next prank. Hmmmmmm......why not now? As I walk closer to the music building I reach into my back pack and remove the last can of fart spray. I keep the can close to my leg to conceal it as I get closer to the building. When I get within 10 feet of the windows I walk right up against the wall, directly under the windows.....extend my arm, raising the nozzle of the can to the level of the first row of open windows, and pull the trigger. The timing was perfect. The students were singing at full volume so they couldn't hear the sound of the spray. They were far enough away from the windows that there was a delay before the smelled it. And I just sprayed as I walked by. At the end of the building was a trash can, so as I walked away I just quietly tossed the fart spray can into the trash. I then continued to walk off to my locker, and then on to my next class on the other side of campus.

I had no idea the riot I just put into motion.

What I share next is based on what I heard from witnesses at the scene.....

Within seconds of my departure, the choir class was enveloped by the fart spray. The reaction was described to me as absolute pandemonium. Howls of discomfort, gasping, coughing...... All the noise caught the attention of whatever band was practicing in the room next door and the instructor decided to investigate. Bad idea! Opening both classroom doors created air flow that sent the fart spray not only into the band instructor's nostrils, but into her classroom as well. The entire building has not been gassed. The choir students, being the drama queens they were, decided they couldn't handle the smell in their classroom and moved their practice outside. This in turn pushed the teachers in the surrounding buildings to the point of sheer revolt. I was told one of the science teachers (also a football coach) almost punched the choir teacher. The assistant principal had to be called in to diffuse the situation. It was at that point that things got bad for me.

You see the music instructor was painfully aware of the fart spray due to its use on the marching band trip. She was also aware of who was in possession of it. She was pissed because my little prank messed up her day. And later she told me, she wasted not time in passing my name on to the assistant principal and informing her about the unknowns regarding what set all of this off.

I'm sitting in algebra when a runner (freshman ass-kisser working for the office) came in and handed my teacher a note. FUCK!!!! John....you have been summoned to the office. FUCK!!!!!! I didn't see this coming..... how the hell did I get caught. Shit! I still have the other stuff in my backpack. Should I dump it, no the runner is following me. Crap! I calm myself. "You can get outta this. You've escaped worse before." The little red fucker on my shoulder is laughing his ass off. Shit! "OK...just deny, deny, deny."

The AP pulls me straight into her office, literally by my shirt collar. Holy crap, she's pissed! Never seen this woman with the same look on her face I'm seeing now. Little scary.
"Give it to me." Her voice has the hiss of a viper.
"What?" I say.
"Don't fuck with me!" She never swore. I knew this was bad and so did everyone in the office because she was so pissed that she didn't even close her office door.
"I'm not. What did I do?" I tried to sound as innocent as I could. Was pretty proud about how it came out.
I could feel the eyes of everyone in that office glued to the back of my neck. I'm pretty sure they all thought they were about to witness a murder.
"Give it to me." Came the hiss again.
"Gi......" My words were cut off abruptly.
"Listen to me you little shit." Her voice had lowered to almost a whisper, but not in a 'I'm calming down' kind of way. "I have an entire choir class outside in the middle of the quad rehearsing! They are disrupting 10 classes around them, including a very pissed of and highly aggressive science teacher! I had to use myself as a shield to keep him from hitting the choir teacher! And there are 15 girls all saying they need to go home to change their clothes because they smell so bad! Now, GIVE ME THE GOD-DAMN CAN!!!!!!"

I was about to try one more time but was stopped dead in my tracks.
"Before you say another word mister.... you are staring down a loaded double-barrel shotgun. One shell had a three day work detail sentence. The other shell, a three day suspension. The next thing you say and what you do next will determine which bullet you're gonna take."

At this point I knew better than to try and escape. I said nothing. Opened my backpack and removed the remaining can of fart spray and the sulfer bombs. I took my discipline slip for the work details and left without saying another word.

Would have loved to been a fly on the wall in that place after I left.

1 comment:

  1. LMFAO! That little red fucker on your shoulder is a powerful creature!!! TOOOOOOO funny!!!


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