Thursday, 31 May 2012

Campus Security

Now, some may choose not to believe that I went to college, but I did. I've been told that no college would allow me in. I've got just one thing to say to those people........ money talks. Ha! If you have grants or cash, you'd be amazed how many universities will welcome a C student with open arms.

So I went to a smaller private university in LA. On weekends most students took, off leaving a few of us left with nothing to do, and stranded because we didn't have cars. Need I remind you what happens when Johnny has nothing constructive to do.

Things started of simple enough. The school, like so many others, was cheap and their choice of security was a perfect example. If the rent-a-cops weren't 70 to 80 years old, they weighed over 300 lbs. and could barely walk. For the older ones, working the night shift meant they got to sleep somewhere other than with their ancient wife, and sleep they did. This of course provided me, and anyone else with nothing to do and an active imagination, great opportunity. Things started out pretty mellow, pics with us hanging on the sleeping guard. One slept so soundly we were able to re-position him, remove his hat and take turns wearing it. Of course the pics got around and that dude was fired. Sorry bro, but you had it coming. His replacement was significantly younger, but in that 5 foot nothing and 300+ lbs. range. Apparently he had been warned that there were trouble makers in our dorm so he was an ass to just about everyone. We didn't care for that. So me and a couple of my room mates were walkin' back up to the dorm after dinner. It wasn't even dark out yet and that fat little fart was already sound asleep. Comfortably slumped over in a chair blocking the main entrance to the dorm, chest full of crumbs left over from whatever small child he had eaten, and a pool of drool on his collar directly underneath his chin. Hmmmmmm......what to do???

College triggers a gene in all young people.....the slob gene. As a result of the student residents being plagued by this gene, there was all kinds of shit littered about the dorm. I noticed a particularly large stack of plastic trays from the cafeteria that had been used to transport food and never returned. Perfect! So me and.....well, for the sake of protecting my friends....let's just say "we". We grabbed the trays and proceeded to the third floor balcony directly over where lard-ass was sleeping. We divided the trays into two equal piles, each taking half, we held them over the edge of the balcony and let them fall. The noise of the trays hitting the concrete floor around lard-ass could be heard through the entire dorm, not to mention the in-human sound that came out of him. Heads were popping out of windows and doors looking to see what happened. Lard-ass started out flailing in his chair for about 10 seconds. Once he remembered where he was he bolted up and immediately looked up at us when he heard our laughter. He was pissed! Now normally I wouldn't be too concerned about being chased by a guy that large and out of shape, especially when he'd have to climb stairs. But when I saw him clear the first flight I knew he had a ton of adrenaline pumping through him and we needed to run. Our only saving grace was that the guards were not given keys to the actual residence hallways, so we locked ourselves in ours and remained there until we could hear him lumber back down the stairs. From that day until the day he was fired, we had to watch out for him when he was on duty.

Now about a year later the school changed security companies again. The new company must have been a family run business. All of the guards were Filipino, never spoke English unless they were speaking to one of the university personnel, and they were mean. It seemed like once again, there was need for a lesson to be taught.

So one night we're walking back onto campus through the main entrance. It was about 1 AM. There is a guard booth at the main gate, and a guard is always stationed there. Guess it had been a quiet night because the 70 year old guard in the booth was reclined in his chair and sound asleep. I mean out! You could hear the bastard snore through the glass door. We began to discuss what we could do to the guy as we walked past the booth and up the hill towards our dorm. By the time we got to the dorm a plan had been formulated, and all it required was some fishing line. 15 minutes later we are back down at the guard shack quietly wrapping the nearly invisible fishing line around the guard booth....again, and again, and get the picture...until we ran out. We then took a hidden position up the hill behind some bushes. One of my friends picked up a water logged LA Times, Sunday edition and lobbed it as high as he could in the direction of the guard shack's metal roof.


The best way to describe what happened next would be to ask if you've ever caught a bee in a jar, waited for it to calm down and then shook the jar. Yep same kind of thing. Dude wakes up in full panic mode. Reaches over to push the door open and get out, but it won't open. Something is holding the door shut! Now he's really freaking out. We were going to go down and let him out but his adrenaline got the job done. He eventually pushed with enough force to break the fishing line and escape. Without making a sound he sprinted to his car, jumped in and took off.

For some unknown reason a couple of us were called into the student services center the next day. It seems the security company had quit citing that the campus was haunted and their guards felt the spirits were evil and attacking them. I guess the resident director wanted to know if we had seen any ghosts around campus lately.

1 comment:

  1. hahahhahahahhaa Yet another hilarious story!! Those rent-a-cops they had in our college sucked, too. We were just the opposite of you, though......we made them like us so that we could get away with shit. hahahahha :-D


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